When Mommyhood Steals Your Joy

Before you judge the title of this and think I'm complaining of motherhood and feel my children are a burden, let me preface this post by ensuring that I adore my children, I adore being a mom, and I absolutely feel like the most blessed mom because God has allowed me to stay at home full time with them. 

Right now I am in the trenches of toddlerhood.  My incredibly defiant, very bright, sensitive, curious, and argumentative 3 year old is eating my lunch. every.single.day.  I think they have his photo on the front cover of the strong willed child. I also have a 16 month old that is one of the most exploring, into EVERYTHING, no fearing, beautiful, heart melting toddler there ever was.  She is literally a tasmanian devil right now.  They think its absolutely hilarious to get into mischief together. Most days I am just trying to stay on top of the chores, feeding time, nap time, bedtime routines, and making sure the 16 month old isn't hanging from the chandelier above the dining room table, because silly me went to change out the laundry and came back to her LITERALLY HANGING FROM THE CHANDELIER.  Who knew she could climb on the bench, climb onto the table, and reach up to grab hold of it? All the while trying to calm a hysterical 3 year old down because I cut his strawberries up today instead of giving them to him whole because silly me, he demanded them CUT UP YESTERDAY. 

There are days that are draining, when bedtime can't come soon enough, and I go to bed feeling like a complete and miserable failure of a mom. I would never be so arrogant to claim that this age is the hardest part of motherhood, because every age will bring its own weariness, challenges, and nights spent feeling like a failure for one reason or another.  Infancy wasn't easy, and I can bet the pre-teen years might do me in. 

Today, after one of these very tough days where patience wore thin, I felt like I spent most of the day screaming "NO!" or yelling for someone to stop something, demanding obedience, or disciplining out of frustration instead of love, I realized that motherhood stole my joy today. Has that ever happened to you? Because before I knew it, I had recapped the day in tears realizing that all the things I had given over to the Lord yesterday in my parenting, I failed in today. I let my children dictate my joy that day, instead of the Lord.

 So, dear mothers in the trenches with me, what do we do about this? Well, there are days when the feeling of failure in inevitable... But there are few things we have to remember when motherhood steals your joy. 

 

1. We are all in this together. When all is said and done, we need each other to remind ourselves that we aren't alone.  Nothing brightens your day more than when you can send a text, call a fellow mom friend, or get out of the house of crazies for a few heavenly minutes for coffee or ice cream and joke, laugh it off, cry it out, and exchange hysterical mommy failure stories together. We all have those friends (and if you don't, then find one ASAP!), the one you can tell about your horrible day as a mom and they can always one-up you in their own mommy failures, making you feel so much better about life after that. Nothing better than a good sarcastic commentary with another mom about how awful you were that day, so you can put it behind you, realize it wasn't that bad, and move on and press ahead.  

2. Remind yourself that you are so much more than a mom.  Many of us have so many other different roles. Wife, employee, boss, student, daughter, niece, granddaughter....stay-at-home moms especially tend to get wrapped up the role of mommy that when we do have a bad day in that role, we allow it to steal our joy because it's the role we are the most invested in. Take a moment to focus on something else, enjoy it, and let another role restore your spirit. Call your own mom, encourage a co-worker, enjoy a nice conversation with your husband after the kids go to bed.... 

3. Remember that tomorrow is a new day.  So you completely stunk it up today? Tomorrow you might just be a rockstar! I think I am the worlds worst about dwelling on negative moments, days, or seasons.  But the truth is, everyday is new, and His mercies are new every morning. No one is more grateful for that than ME! And NEVER EVER allow your bad day today define tomorrow for you as well.  You will find that your children are some of the best forgivers out there, so forgive yourself, seek forgiveness from God, and ask Him to restore your joy. 

Mommyhood is hard y'all. Stay Strong! 

My Journey into Stay-at-Home Mommyhood

3 years ago, I began the adventure of lifetime. Mr. Landry Tate entered the world and made me a mommy.... Not only did he make me a mommy, but he made me a stay-at-home mommy.  Now, before I begin this blog, let me preface it by saying that anyone who knew me in late high school/first few years of college probably heard me declare sometime or another that I never wanted children.  I'm not a mom that believes that there is only 1 way to do motherhood...Quite the contrary, I love watching moms do their mom thing in so many different ways, and have learned so much from every type of mom!  I'm simply a mom in awe of how the Lord has honored and blessed a decision that was such a leap of faith for me and my husband 3 years ago.  I desire to share my experience to encourage anyone out there that doubts God is bigger than financial obstacles.

The moment I found out I was pregnant, I was barely into a new school year teaching high school math for my 3rd year. And everyday I went to work, which I loved, my heart began falling to pieces at the thought of doing the next school year with a baby at home.  Ultimately, I sat my husband down around Christmastime and had a heart to heart about what I was feeling.  I honestly had no clue that God was leading me to lay down my career and stay home, I just knew that the thought of leaving our baby in the care of others really didn't settle well with me.  Before I could even get my thoughts out, my sweet husband asked me if we wanted to look at our finances and see if me staying at home with our son was a viable option.  So we did just that.  And we were initially disheartened, not really believing that we could pull off living on one income, but we agreed the only way to find out is to "practice."

We began trying to live off his income alone, and began putting away as much of my income as possible every month....Some months we did great! Other months we blew it (remember, new baby on the way! baby "stuff" was just too enticing some months).  I strategically calculated our savings and realized that we needed $400 a month extra every month to make it. We budgeted, planned, and figured out that using $400 of our savings every month would put me at needing to return to work after 2 years home with Landry. We weren't planning on having another child until Landry was at least 5 (ha!), so I thought that I would have a few years working to save up and do the same for a second child when they come along.  I was okay with that decision, and began praying ahead of time that I would be grateful for any amount of time at home I got with my baby. (Notice: all the WE's and I's in this planning...yep. I think this is the part of the story that God kind of chuckles at).

We didn't live extravagantly before (teacher and preacher....not exactly millionaire material), but we had enough money and no kids to do whatever we wanted.  There were many days that Jake would pick me up after school, we would drive to San Antonio, go out to eat and go shopping. I rarely cooked the first year of our marriage for 2 reason. 1. I was pregnant and was either too exhausted or too nauseated to get in there and deal with smells. 2. I didn't know how. We ate out a LOT. I am just amazed looking back now at just how much money we "blew." But I'm even more amazed at God's faithfulness to my decision to stay home, and just how much he has blessed us. 

Those first few months of 1 income living was tough.  We went from the mentality of always having enough money to do whatever we wanted to carefully budgeting and calculating money, it just took us a while to get used to it.  There were days when I took Jake to work in my car because we couldn't afford the tank of gas for his car until the next paycheck.  I learned to cook,  I did things like make our own laundry soap, we did everything we could to save money and cut corners! We made sacrifices, like selling our first wonderful home.  We just didn't like how much it was costing us every month, so we moved into a cheaper smaller rental.  "Vacation" consisted of going to visit our families, wonderful, but not exactly Hawaii or NYC.  

I have now been staying at home for 3 years (remember how I calculated I only had enough money for 2 years?), we have since added a daughter to the mix (she just turned 1) plus several foster kiddos....Here is the real kicker..... We have just as much money in our savings account as we did when I began staying at home 3 years ago....We bought a car, another house in Lubbock, updates for our house.  It literally and mathematically does not add up. Somehow, someway, God truly provided.  And he didn't even need my plans or strategies or careful calculations.

Why am I writing all this? Certainly not to brag, because the mom life is all but glamorous. I'm really just in awe of God's goodness to honor a desire I had in my heart.  I want to encourage anyone that has a desire from the Lord (not just in regard to raising babies at home) but fears the financial setback to put it in God's hands. Am I saying to willy-nilly jump into a crazy new decision without carefully planning and ask God to bless a reckless decision? No, I think part of the planning/praying process was building up my faith.  But human planning can only take you so far.....Let him blow you away with his faithfulness to provide and meet your every need (read: NEED...not want..big difference).

I am grateful now for the 3 awesome jammed packed years with my kiddos, and will be grateful for any more amount of time HE plans to give me.  Be encouraged friends, that God sees you and He sees the deepest desires down in the depth of your soul. He can do anything, he can provide all things, and we can give him all the Glory for it!

"Is it hard to let them go?"

This question is probably the single most asked question when people learn that we foster.  The answer is....YES....and NO. 

The obvious dilemma when you bring anyone into your home for a significant portion of time is that of course you will miss things about their sweet little faces, personalities, and character qualities.  The way they fill your home with noises, laughter, even the crying and fighting with others. You will miss them dearly, but let me also explain my excitement in the end of their journey with us..

Right now we have 2 little girls God has brought us.  There is chance that both girls might be leaving soon (BIG emphasis on the word might, lol, with CPS, you never know!) While it is weird to think that their time in our family is coming to a close, let me explain their futures and you can see why we are filled with more excitement than grief!

Our first little girl came to us in pretty rough shape 4 months ago. At first, we were told that her dad was MIA. As it turned out, he has been here the whole time, kept from seeing his daughter.  He has done nothing wrong, was just not contacted fast enough! He is eager to get his daughter, loves her, and has put in the work to prove he can provide for her. We are grateful that God gave her to us and we have been able to stand in the gap and help her along the way. She is literally a different kiddo than we first got.  How nice to be able to send her off to a biological dad so much more independent, happy, and healthy! Win all the way around...While we will miss her terribly, and are not really sure of a timeline of when she might go, we are so excited for her dad to begin parenting her fully and assume responsibility for his daughter's life! 

Our other precious girl came to us 5 months ago and we learned that her final goal was adoption. Her mom named a distant relative in another state she wanted her to go live with... Nearing the final process of this home study, our apprehension turned into excitement as this family went to all the trouble to fly the thousands of miles to come visit her for a few days, spend time with her, and get to know her. We found out that before she was ever born, this little girls mom wanted to put her up for adoption, and changed her mind in the end.  This sweet family hired a lawyer and pursued adopting her while she was still in her moms womb! Imagine the heartbreak of this family missing out adopting a sweet baby girl, trying to keep tabs on her, lookout from her from afar, only to find out she was in foster care in another state. This process of adopting the one they have always wanted has been 5 years in the making!!!! This sweet lady said "We have learned that it is not our timing but God's timing"for her to become part of their family. What a testimony this little girl and her future family will have! I can hardly wait! And to know that God ordained us to stand in the gap for her to bridge her rocky past life with a redemptive beautiful future is almost more than I can stand! Can you see where the excitement comes from? 

So, YES, it is hard to send these kiddos off and watch them leave our home... NO, it is not hard because we know that God goes before them, he sees them, and he loves them more than any family, non-family, adoptive family, foster family could ever love them. He has a plan and a purpose for their little lives. It's all about trust and faith. Trusting a Savior big enough to lead them and having faith that you did what you could while you could. 

They may not call me mom....

This years Mother's Day is extra special to me. It's my first Mother's Day with our precious Norah! She brings me so much joy and my 2 biological children make Mother's Day such a wonderful celebration! This year though, I have even more reason to be thankful! Since January, i have gotten the privilege of being "mom" to 5 other special children in my heart.  Although 3 have come and gone so quickly, I am still proud of them and they still have part of heart. 1 called me Mom from the moment he stepped in our doors, one called me mommy for the first time a few days ago,  the other 3 never did or haven't yet....

But yesterday I dressed, brushed teeth, fixed hair (WITH bows!), made lunches, put shoes on, picked them up from school, read books, changed diapers, fixed them supper, and tucked them into bed.
Not to mention the 2 parent visits this week, 1 therapy session, 2 parent phone calls, ECI visits, and scheduling meetings with caseworkers to visit. So no, I may not get called Momma, but my job goes beyond mom duties :)  I am a foster mom!

I am so proud to be their safe place! I may not be their "real mom," but I am as real as any of them! Let me encourage you this Mother's Day to celebrate moms of all sorts! Celebrate the ones that have taken on the role of mom in other children's lives! That is anyone from grandmothers raising their grandkids, aunts raising Nieces/nephews, foster moms, adoptive moms, moms that have been parenting their children's friends that have terrible home lives, women that have no biological children but are a mom to many (bonus moms as we call ours! Gabi!!!!) they all matter, and they all strive to make a difference!
Happy Mother's Day!

The Repentant Heart: A Toddler's Perspective

This morning was all kinds of rough for our 2, almost 3, year old son.  Sunday mornings are usually daddy/son time.  He loves to go up to the church with Jake, help him "prepare for church" and enjoy some alone time with his dad. When I say "prepare for church," what I mean is that he loves to eat donut holes (a special Sunday morning treat) while running around the room as Jake prepares for the day.

This morning was no different.  It started with me telling him that today was Sunday, which meant if he would get dressed, brush teeth, and comb hair quickly, he could go with Daddy to church and eat donut holes. That was all fine and dandy, except he wanted all the benefits of the Sunday morning time with Dad without meeting any of the requirements.  He refused to get dressed, refused to brush teeth, and even ran into the living room where our 4 year old foster daughter was and screamed at her that "SHE DOES NOT GET ANY DONUT HOLES." After a long battle with Dad over sitting in timeout, a few spankings, and many many tears and screaming later, we laid down the ultimate punishment.....no donut holes for Landry this morning, and if he keeps up the behavior, no going to church with daddy either. This set him off. The raging fit, screaming, yelling, and tantrum ensued. After a good 10-15 minutes, he did get to go to church, but was still without donut holes.

Reflecting back on things, we probably didn't handle the situation the greatest.  There is just something about demanding immediate repentance from a child that seems so insincere. "Tell her you're sorry!" "NO!" "You better apologize to your sister right now, or..." "NO!" When you finally get the apologies you demand, it doesn't really feel that great, and it certainly doesn't seem to change the toddler's behavior in the future.

When we are refereeing a toddler initiated argument, we are always so quick to want that child to immediately repent. Today, after getting a chance to reflect on the morning and the demands for repentance on our son, I just prayed that God would forgive my desire for an immediately repentant child and instead give me a child that is sincerely repentant.  Although in the moment, I think I would really like a child to apologize, change their ways, and always remember that moment before acting out again....but let's be really honest..... that almost never happens?

Here is what this morning's "repentance" looked like for our son:
Dad: "Can you apologize for screaming at L?"
Landry: "Sorry!" "Daddy, I want get donut holes!"
Dad: "no donut holes. Let's go"
Landry: <screaming and crying> (clearly out of repentance right? lol)
---------------------------------------------
Here is what happened this evening right before bed after an entire day of apparently thinking about those darn donut holes
Landry: "I yelled at daddy yesterday (he meant this morning)"
Me: You did? Why did you do that?
Landry: "He not listen to me. It's my fault. Daddy put me in timeout for yelling."
Me: Do you think you deserved to go to timeout for yelling?
Landry: "Yeah, I so sorry mommy"
Me: It's okay buddy.
Landry: "I not get donut holes. I try again tomorrow, okay mommmy?"

I'm not entirely sure what stirred that up in his toddler sized heart, but I'm so thankful that God heard my plea for a sincerely repentant child.  The second scenario was so much more beautiful and, well, sincere.  I think I am going to start praying more intensely for more moments like that, and be ok with letting go of the insincere apology cycle.  Don't get me wrong, obviously I believe that making him apologize is important and necessary....I just think rather than going in circles around immediate apologies, I will start handing the situations over to God and allowing him to convict my little toddler's heart.

Our first placement and lessons learned

So many of you know by now that we got our fostering license in January. Within days we received our first placement, a 4 year old boy and his 5 year old sister.  After a whirlwind of 10 days, new routines, and crazy chaos they were gone... I was actually sitting at the dentist office with them both getting their dental check up when I got the call that we had 2 hours until they were leaving. Whew.

That night I packed their things quickly, we placed them by the door, and then the kids fell asleep on the couch waiting for the caseworker to come.  Our Buckner caseworker told me she was on call that night and asked us if we needed some time before another placement and I said "Bring it on if you get one!" When the caseworker arrived, Jake scooped up the boy and I scooped up the girl and we wept as we loaded them into the car and listening to them cry for us.  Then we wept some more.

That night was so emotionally taxing on us, we actually got a call at 2 a.m. just hours after the kids were gone from our sweet caseworker telling me she has a 1 year old boy that needs placing and wondered if we were interested.  There.was.no.way. That night after turning him down I couldn't go back to sleep. I even texted her back an hour later (without my husband knowing, lol) to see if they still needed a home for him.  Luckily, he was already in a home. 

Throughout the next few weeks, we "almost" got 4 different kids. There is nothing more crazy than the anticipation of a child coming to live with you in hopes to love on them. You get attached immediately, without ever meeting them. Here are some things we learned in first few months of being a foster parent. 

1. Loving hurting children hurts. It hurts your heart to see what they have been through, it hurts your heart to see them possibly lash out against your own children, and it hurts your heart to realize that you can't fix it. But, getting to show them that Jesus is healer is awesome.

2. You are not always the best place for them long term. Having a child in your own home makes you feel like there is no better place for them.  You are their safe haven for the moment. Their protector. And then they get moved somewhere else, whether that be a grandparent, a friend, or another foster home. You didn't get a say in that at all. But the beautiful thing is that God is their ultimate protector, he goes before them, wherever they go. And so we trust that God knows best, God's timing is best, and God has a plan for their lives.

3. You CANNOT do this well (or even not so well sometimes lol) without Him. This is seriously the hardest thing  I've ever done. Not just the emotional side of things, but the logistical side of things.  Paperwork upon paperwork, trainings, meetings, therapy, dr appts and dentist appts to get into immediately because of medical neglect, teaching them things they should have learned 2 years before, playing catch up. It's taxing physically, mentally, emotionally, and time wise. But God sustains. He breathes life. And everyday is new :)

4. It is worth it. Just 2 months in and I can already tell you, IT.IS.WORTH.IT. I'm hooked. I love the moments when you look at how far these kids have come in just a matter of weeks. It makes you feel like every bit of exhaustion and crazy days running around and intensive teaching of skills, manners, letters, etc.. is worth it. These children are worth it.

Now we have 2 non-related 4 year olds.  We got the 4.5 year old girl first, and then a week later we got the little boy that turned 4 just a few days after we got him.  Because of so many different delays and such with the 2 kiddos, and because our own 2.5 year old is ahead of the game, my mom said "It's like you have three year old triplets." Yep..Pretty much. Mom is my name and Refereeing is my game. lol. Pray for us as we are settling into "normal" again. The honeymoons are over and we are doing life as a family of 6.   

January Challenge

I know I know, it's not even Christmas yet and I'm already talking a challenge for the New Year, but hear me out!
We have the best friends in the whole world. Anyone that knows Ryan and Melissa Matlock know what I mean.  Melissa throws baby showers, wedding showers, parties, and give birthday/christmas/house warming gifts to people like its going out of style. Her friends, her co workers, her sister's friends, her mom's friends, people she barely knows! She has one of the most giving hearts I've ever known.  She has taught me a lot about serving.  Ryan has been such a solid friend to my husband for many years.  They are just flat amazing people with hearts for the Lord....

One thing I want more than anything in the world is to see Melissa become a mom. I always joke that she is a better mom to my children than I am. Seriously. I just wait with such anticipation for the day that they bring their child home from Bulgaria.  She's already a mom in my opinion.  She prays for her child, loves someone she hasn't met yet so much to pursue them, and has taken the hours and hours of time filling out paperwork, going through home studies, dr visits, consultations and anything else that is so labor intensive to adopt overseas. She has spent more time "in labor" to deliver her child than many of us ever did giving birth.
I wish I could just write them a check for the thousands of dollars it takes to adopt, but I can't.  But one thing God has laid on my heart (especially through reading Jen Hatmaker's book 7...ouch) is that I can do something.  I can give up something for a month and give them the money that I would have spent on myself and silly pleasures to help go toward their cost.  It may not be much, but it will be a sacrifice. It's not so much about the money as it is the sacrifice. I feel God calling me to make a very hard sacrifice....drum roll please.....COKE. I started to go through my bank statement last month and calculate the money I spent on buying a fountain drink..... but even the thought of doing that horrified me because I knew that it would be embarrassing. Every time I get the urge to go to happy hour (umm....everyday) and treat myself, I won't.  It's that simple.  I will not spend any money on Soda in January.  If I order a meal out and it comes with it, that is the only acceptable time to have my Coke.  I need your accountability, I need your help! Anyone who knows me knows how much I love fountain drinks..Sadly, this will be hard.  That's hard to even write or say out loud because it is such a first world problem.

Here are 3 ways you could help me during the month of January

• Go along side me. Is there something you splurge on that you could give up for 30 days? Starbucks? Happy hour drinks? Fast food? Buying something for yourself that month? I encourage you to join with me in sacrifice during the month of January. What a temporary time to make such impact for 1 couple seeking to do God's will. Think about if 25 people came together and gave up something that means something to them for the sake of helping one couple reduce the orphan population. What a statement to Ryan and Melissa of support! and think about the $$$ (25 people x $30 = 750!!!!!) 
• Match my total.  I am going to tally every time I would normally purchase a coke or get the urge and embarrassingly announce it at the end of the month. (I used $30 just as an example if you spent $1/day on something) Maybe you don't want to give something up, but would you be willing to match my sacrifice? If I got 5 people out there to match my $$$, instead of ME giving them around $30 WE could give them $150.  If 25 people that choose to sacrifice get 5 people to match them we would then have 25 people x $150 = 3,750!!!!!! 
• Pray! pray for me, pray for my poor husband having to endure a Coke-less wife for an entire month, pray for others that might engage in this challenge in january, but mostly pray for Ryan and Melissa and their child in Bulgaria.  They are in the waiting phase being matched with a child. 

Let's let God teach us through sacrifice during the month of January!  If you feel led to join me, please message me and let's get the details worked out and accountability set up!